Monday, August 2, 2010

Bikini Bombshells

 It's been a 'revealing' beach season to say the least.  A couple of weeks ago I'm sitting surf side in Ocean City, MD, reading a book.  This summer's project is an epic bio of Andrew Carnegie.  At the turn of last century Carnegie sold his steel mills for what would be about $120 billion in today's money.  By comparison I'd say Bill Gates is a piker!  What's Gates got- a measley 40-50 billion?  Of course, Gates isn't a tight-fisted, union-busting, robber baron- at least not that I know of.
   So I'm sitting in my beach chair reading when a middle-aged woman walks up with a couple of kids.  They throw down some towels in front of me.  And I'm thinking it's odd that this woman is wearing a house dress on the beach.  And then she hikes up her dress and starts fumbling with her bathing suit.  The suit- she's in the process of putting it ON.  She's just standing up there in front of about 2 million beach-goers, calmly changing outfits.  And suddenly, just for a second, I thought I saw the whole 'South 40'- if you know what I mean  The view lasted just a second and I'm sure it was just a beach blanket bingo hallucination.  I'd been out in the sun for quite awhile.
    Sadly, the men were definitely NOT hallucinations.  What is it with these overweight guys wearing speedos?  I saw one guy who was so large, you couldn't even SEE his suit.  yewwwww!
    And then, yesterday, I'm at a swimming hole called Whipple's Dam.  The Dam was built during the great depression- the one in 1930 not the one we have going on right now.  Anyway, a young woman in a too-tight bikini was sunbathing right in front of me.  When she got up for a swim, she tugged on her bottom.  You guessed it- she tugged too hard- and I'm staring at an early evening full moon.  What is it with all this exhibitionism?  And why is it that the least attractive people are the ones who always want to show off?

     Back to Ocean City.  As my wife and I walked to the dunes-

Trina: "Did you see that woman in front of us?"
Me:    "You mean..."
Trina: "Oh yeah, that was quite a show."
Me:   "Whimper."

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